kids

[Whisper]

  Blue, that is a rough situation, brother.  You sound like you have a heart of gold, though - Stay strong.

  Be careful in assuming someone is clean - There is plenty of stuff that doesn't show up on a screening.  Keep your eyes open, so if they need help, you can get them help.

  As for the behavior, here's what works for me - My wife gets to yell at me (never happens, I'm a gem ), we're equals.  The kids?  NEVER.  If the kids act the fool, the usual response is they get a chance to get away from me until we can have an adult discussion. 

  If they choose the smart route and collect themselves.  They know that if you bring nothing to the table, you leave with what you brought.  If they need something, they need to come correct, with a plan.  If you can do this, I'll do this or pay back this. etc.  The equivalency doesn't matter much to me - the thought behind it does.

  It is a little jerky at first, but through the years it slips into that social norm you have with good friends - You gladly have giving on either side, because there is mutual respect and trust.  Give to live - First round is on me.

  The payback is, a lot of doors open for them when they are generous (not just with money, but with time) and willing to show what they have to offer before extending their 'gimme' hand.

  But bloody hell, it isn't easy.  Had my heart ripped out a couple times.  It grows back, tho

   Hang in there, Blue   

[TechGuy]

I can relate to your situation.  I have a niece that lived with us from 13-18 years old and she is back living with us now (at 19.5 years old).

I would provide him all the support you can give him, short of providing CASH.  That being said, you can help in other ways.  I understand he needs transportation. When my neice needed transportation, we offered her that car we were not using.  It did NOT match here "style" and she wanted something else. We said, "OK, go buy yourself something else, This is what we have to offer and you know what the "issues" are with this one.  Buying a used car usually means you are buying someone else's problem, that they sold." She asked if we sell the car and then use the money to get what she wants, we said NO.  She lived with roommates, on her own money, and some we helped her with a bill or two but she now understands the value of money and work. She did without lots of things and she sold some of her own things to make ends meet.

As to your relationship, would it be better to have your wife communicate with the kid and not deal directly with him.  If mom is the main communicator, he only has one person to "work over" for cash and he cannot try to work on you both separately. If there is one person doing the talking, there is one answer, and no one to drive a wedge between. You and your wife can make your decisions without him there and she can communicate the answer for the both of you. If he asks you for something, you answer will always be "Ask your Mom".  When he wants something, she can then either provide the answer directly or tell her son that she will discuss it with you and that she will let him know what the two of you decided.

You can still hang-out or go the parts store and buy the parts needed to get the truck running.  If you re going to provide support that requires you spending money on him, don't provide the cash to him. Provide him the things needed.  Go to the store and buy food, pay the utility/rent/bill directly or buy the parts needed to get the truck running.... or go with him to get these things. This removes the opportunity for them to "blow" the money on something else (drugs/beer/etc).

Good luck.

[Portland Steve]

It sounds like your son in law has some serious issues.  Has there been any counseling from a professional?
Obviously, you can't enable him, but he needs some help.  Can you get him involved with some kind of therapy, maybe group therapy, with you and your wife?
I get the feeling that this would be a difficult thing to get him to agree to.
From the way things are going, I doubt that you will be able to do anything to change him. 
It may or may not be drugs, but there must be some kind of chemical imbalance going on and it would not surprise me if he were self medicating in some way.
A psychiatrist/psychologist could help figure out if he is depressed or has some kind of mood disorder.
It seems like you need to make some kind of intervention a condition of a future relationship.
Sorry you are having such a hard time with this.

[blue]

Mood disorder yes Like a light switch. Its hard for me to say this but yes sometimes I can be afraid of him he is a big kid and I have had him down a few times but it was eather me or him and the cops were called. trying to get him help is not going to happen if someone dont want help you cant make theam go.

[TechGuy]

Based on you latest post, I would have the mother do 100% of communication. I would avoid the situation.  He is only going to ruin the relationship between you and your wife if you let him come between you two. I would say "Talk to your mother" and avoid the whole thing.

[blue]

do you think I should take the mother off my checking acount because if I have no say so about it then why should she get my money for him.

[juice]

Just don't leave more money in the joint account than you can afford to lose . I would open another account at a different bank and transfer funds to it and make most of your deposits there . Good luck .