kids

[blue]

I have a step son I give him everything and I try to love him I do things with him but when he gets home and is around his mom he treats me like dirt how do I deal with that. we got in to it so bad ounce so he is no longer liveing with us but he needs a truck or car so he can work and the mother wants to care for him stell after the way he treats me. she wants to waste more time and money on him to help him because he is in a bad way of liveing . in my eyes I say he put him self in that way so he should deal with it. am I wrong. oh ya he is 18.

[Hoolander2]

How old was he when you married his mom?  Did you legally adopt him?  If not, you are not responsible for him in a "family" way, nor are you legally responsible for him. 

Even if you did adopt him legally, he's 18 now.  Do you think for a minute his real dad would overlook the disrespect and do him favors???  NO F-in way.  It's sink or swim on his own now.  I'd be willing to bet money he's headed for a life of crime.  Seen it before.   Anyway, not your problem, blue.  Don't tear yourself up over it. 

If he were to start to act right, then, maybe you could start to do him some favors. 

[MrKymco]

stay quiet and stay out of it. if your wife brings you into it, tell her there is nothing you can do for him, or her in this regard

let her know you don't want it to negatively affect the marriage

if she is helping him with her own money she earns, you have to deal with that. it's her son, and he and her were there before you. you entered into their lives willingly, and in someway have to deal with them both. if you can't, you will have to make some tough choices

just don't let it get to "it's him or me." if it did get to that, YOU make the choice to leave or stay, but don't make her choose between you or her son in anyway emotionally, or otherwise

also no, you are not wrong. but nor is she for wanting to help. but she shouldn't help, because its just a car or truck. does he NEED it? i doubt he does. none of us really NEED those things. its a tough spot for you and her, but obviously not for him

it sounds like he has issues. but without more info its just hard to know what to say to you. did he have good parenting from his mom? what is his biological father like, and where is he in all this? was he abused, a drug addict, emotionally unstable / mentally ill, a criminal?

obviously something has gone haywire here. but what, and what is the cause?

i really don't believe in the "you're 18 now sink or swim" way of doing things for truly troubled teens. especially if the trouble stems from family problems. sooner or later things need be worked out, and it takes a family effort often times, one way or another

but no, he does not NEED a truck or car, and if it is going to burden you financially let your wife know you strongly object to it and will not contribute to the purchase. then stay out of it and  / or  offer some alternatives, perhaps

at the most, send him a china scoot. that'll teach 'em!  

[spr0k3t]

Stop for a second and look to see what's really pushing the wedge between the two of you.  I wouldn't offer to give a car to the kid, rather help them find a means to an end.  If you have some knowledge on working on cars, offer some help to fix one that he may have, or fix up a cheap one.  The short time spent to help him along will anchor in his mind that you are genuine.  He may not be able to see that currently, but time will show its ugly face.  We remember the pains in our lives the most and reflect on them, it's anguish and adversity that brings out the fondest memories of all.

To give you a bit of a qualifier of what I know, I'm a single parent raising three kids, two of them are biologically mine.  The third is my ex wife's son who has been with me since he was 5.

[Agent Bob]

I suspect he resents you being there with his mom instead of it being him, his mom and biological father together. I'd avoid setting him off so that it doesn't escalate into violence. He obviously won't listen to you, so it's up to your wife to deal with him and his need for a vehicle. Try a hands off approach and he may mature over time. After all, he's still a teen.  A stint in the military would do him wonders.

[blue]

more about him, yes he has a prolem he is very unstable with his anger and his mouth we have had him to dr. but he refuses to go. and he has been in jail 1 time for thef. I made him clean his room and remove all items that may be stolin or hot and he threw a hammer at me and the cops wear then called.
he is on 2 year probation and has to report to his po ounce a month. he wont come live with us because he dont like the rules of the house. and about the cars or trucks he has had 5 in a 1 year time. if he dont like it or something just right about it he puts it on craigslist .so now he is stuck with a car or a home to go too his real dad is a real peace of work I give this kid more then his real dad his dad is one that is lazy and lives off the gov. they move aorund and cant stay in one place too long because they dont pay there bills. the way I live is pay my bills frist then play life is so much better that way. I just dont know what to do about him he has me and his mother in a real bad way. thanks for your help guys I just need some help and dont know wear to go to get it. I know this is a scooter fourm so sorry now if this is wrong of me to come here for help.

[Hoolander2]

It's ok.  Talking among scooter brothers may help you get your own thoughts clear.   

Did you EVER have a decent, respectful relationship with the stepson in question?   How long?   

[MrKymco]

i feel exactly the same way, hoolander. this is the general discussion forum of a community of riders. we all share something in common, and it gives us a unique but common perspective about some things. even things like this. all meaningful (and not so meaningful topics lol) are fair game and some of us with similar experiences are in fact sincerely interested. if any topic posted is ever inappropriate a moderator will let us know. otherwise its all good

blue, sounds like you're in a tough spot, you and your wife both. but as you know giving him more stuff is not going to help anything. he has had 5 cars? what is giving him one more going to do?

you have offered him professional help, he refuses it. he is up to petty theft it would seem, and has suffered some consequences. still hasn't leaned, it seems. unless this kid is suicidal or otherwise, its time to just let go a bit, i would say. let's see what he can do for himself. if he can't....he can't. but he sounds resourceful enough to not be homeless and to take care of himself

its most likely tough for his mom not to worry. she and you most likely want the best for him. but his "best" might not be what it could be at the moment. he will have to work that out for himself. as long as he is alive and kicking i would say don't worry about him too much

jail? crime? some emotional instability and anger issues? well, sometimes a person needs to go the hard way. and what doesn't kill him will make him stronger, as they say. and if he is even halfway smart he will take those very hard lessons and as a grown up, learn from them one day

but sure, buying him a car does nothing except repeat the same old process that hasn't worked for him in the past, and won't work for him now

its a tough spot, man. and i hope everything turns out well for all involved, eventually

[CONLEY]

coming from all ends of this topic as a troubled teen a step son and and now a step father i can def relate. you dont want to enable him in any way.its pretty much sink or siwm just always let him know u love him and will always be there for him but u arent just going to give him what he wants. check in on him from time to time just a 2 min phone call works. be a friend always have some type of communication its a tough world right  now for everyone and even more for him. he is lost and wants the world handed to him. if he was tought any type oorals or values they will come back in the near future.he will eventually figure everything out on his own and say damn it wasnt that bad with blue and momma blue. dont be quick to judge and just be a friend. its hard bitting your tongue sometimes but u got to chose your battles and make progress with your relationship even if it is very small. i hope all goes well and good luck.

[Whisper]

  Respect runs both ways, he generated a lot of bad karma through being a snot.  Now he has a teachable moment - a chance to learn that actions have consequences.  If you enable him you are only putting off the inevitable and reinforcing his behavior.

  I know its all easier said than done.  Sometimes the best lessons are the most painful.  Not unlike the lesson of buying quality scooter tires!  Physics is a great teacher, and I fully respect it. 

[blue]

It's ok.  Talking among scooter brothers may help you get your own thoughts clear.   

Did you EVER have a decent, respectful relationship with the stepson in question?   How long?   

respect gos both ways I call him just to say hi but he cuts me off and makes the calls short.
the only way he show respect is when money is in his hand not happening any more. I have been with the family for 5 years now help but him threw scool I got him a scoot and a bike and other tools and to this day I have no idea wear they are at. my guess craigslist

[Hoolander2]

All that selling of everything he has on craigslist smells like drugs to me.  That would make things much more difficult . . .  What do you think, blue? 

[spr0k3t]

I would be guessing drugs as well.  Sounds like it's time to cut him off and allow him to sink or swim.

[blue]

so far hes clean when he goes to see his po he does a drop and it comes out clean.I think he just needs the cash to live. but yet there are ways of covering that up. he is trying to pay off his court fees
and save money for geting his truck fixed. I well give him some creted he his trying he can be good arond the ones he is friends with but when at home and around me its like a switch that you turn on and he goes in to pissed off mad moud. I mostly just sit back and stay to my self if I say anything like no you cant have that or no you cant its o hell look out.

[Rianna]

i understand, blue, maybe more than you know. i do not really understand where he is at with that craigslist or money thing at all though, but i do know that it can be particularly difficult when dealing with family, especially when a distant relative from out of town calls on you unexpectedly.

i recently had a visit from a big brother who is more like an uncle, or just a nosy busybody, that wants to be a friend and he usually ends up making matters worse by trying to impose on my current situation and, sadly, even sometimes by telling lies and sending mixed messages on my behalf to other family members that are difficult to discern, undoing many months worth of working on improving the communication lines.

I did everything within my power to protect everyone that I love. I even had to lie once and say that I was visiting a neighbor's house to borrow some sugar (i'm really sorry i did that) just so I could check in from a distance to let other family members know that things were happening that were beyond my control. unfortunately they didn't get the message so when my unforgiving back was up to it I had to walk close to a mile on a few separate occasions to try to get a cell phone signal so I could reach out, and then I was cut off or hung up on each time. i even called long distance once to a relative I haven't actually spoken to before so the family could understand what happened...all to no avail. we do what we can though and try to work with what we have and time will tell the results.

it can be very frustrating at times dealing with family - most especially when there is a lack of communication or a misunderstanding. sometimes the best you can do is to try to do all you can, and then you just have to sit back and let the chips fall where they may. in the end he will know that you were loyal and protected him the best way you knew how because you care about his circumstances and feelings.

you hang in there, blue, because things aren't always what they seem and they always have a way of working out exactly the way they are supposed to. we all know you do your best even when it is difficult for you and she will still try to respect you no matter the outcome even if she doesn't fully understand. much love is being sent your way here. y'all take care and have a great day.