family problem

[Carol]

This is my take on this situation.........ONLY.. because I have been there, done that. I am not going to type everything I went through with my son, but....... He was diagnoses with all the fun stuff...ADHD, ADD, ODD and was a complete horror for about 12 years. I sought help from every avenue I could think of. Wound up placing him in a facility that had severe restrictions and a padded room.  Little man had a melt down he wound up in the "calm down" room with the door locked. He learned to control his anger and do more talking than throwing things.
  It took a couple years, after he returned home, to adjust to the rules of the house.  There was plenty of times he went to bed angry, but he has thanked me many times for , as he puts it now, being a hardass.  I did not expect him to conquer the world by any means, but he was/is expected to obey the rules and be respectful of others' stuff.
 My son is now 24, on his own, with a job (he has been fired more than once) but has come to realize it is up to him to put food on his table.  He calls me if he desperately needs something....and we help him only if he can tell me what he needs to do to avoid the situation again.  So far, knock on wood.....we have only had to pay his phone bill 1 time.
 When he lived with me, he tried to run the roost......and yes he did buck the system. 
I sat his butt down and 'splained a few things and made sure he understood the other options (homelessness, jail or psych ward).
 I cried the first time the po po hauled him off in cuffs (he had a tantrum and was throwing things). The cops sat him in a holding cell for about 3 hours, to get out the cop requested that he write down what he did wrong and how HE was going to fix it.

 My situation was different, I didn't have the other "parent" undermining my authority.  I believe to get anywhere with the step son you and your wife are going to have to be on the same page.  Unfortunately, that may never happen.  She  needs to understand that an adult "child" will NOT live productively if allowed to make mom and dad so afraid to upset them, they live on eggshells.
 Blue, you may have to ask yourself the tough question................Am I better off with, or without them..........and take it from there.

Good Luck with your situation.

Carol

[Carol]

My son, I should add, is currently living with a friend. He realizes that living with mom and step dad is not in his future.  He called me today to let me know how his job is going and what his plans are for the rest of this month and in the new year.

 He tries to guilt me into buying him things like a computer, tv etc. etc...  and I calmly remind him that I provided these things when he moved into his first apartment.  He sold or gave away most of the stuff, and seems to understand that the ATM at mom's house is now out of order.  And it is going to stay that way.  He is in my will......

[blue]

Very well said carol thanks.  I know its up to me to decide what to do. But its not easy to not only brake my wifes heart but mine to becuse of a kid. walking on egg shells day after day is not good for the heart eather and my health.
the last month I have been in the er. because of him its that bad the stress alone is killing me. THe hard part is I dont understand is why his mom backs him up and gives in to him. I understand a child well always be your child but there is a time to cut the strings.maybe its the mom that needs the help and a dr.to tell her what to do.

[08087]

http://www.thehulltruth.com/dockside-chat/471846-new-humanoid-species.html

Blue if you've been in the hospital over this it is certainly time to take some much needed action, I think you are 100% correct when you say it's the Mom  that needs the help, she enables him and as long as she does he will use that crutch.

I wish I could help in some other way but you need to be ready to help yourself, posting here is the first step (though I'm sure you've taken many others privatly), I'd talk with the Mrs. see a doctor or theripist (spelling) and move forward from there. At some point you may need to cut ties until the ship rights itself. We can't kill ourselves over someone else's short comings. It may be that your wofe wants to hold on to her child or wants/needs a baby, would a lap cat/dog help?

My heart goes out to you, I hope you find the path you need soon.

08

[streido]

Therapy works blue if you can get some that involves the 3 of you all together. I was always against this kinda thng cos it all looked like a load of old wishy washy crap just talking it out, used to say stuff like "that solve the problem", or "what a load of crap",  but ive seen it work with folk i know who were just about to divorce over issues they had. 2 months later the same couple are like a pair of newlyweds and never argue much at all now. Once they all laid out their cards on the table they could see how the way they acted and spoke to each other was wrong and they learned better ways to deal with things. They now talk things out instead of shouting things out. Might be worth it, but you all need to be in on it and all have to try.

Hope you all sort it out and can at least get thro xmas hols with some peace at home. That'd be a start at least.

Can you not take him out hunting or fishing and try have a man to man talk with him when hes in a good mood?

[blue]

[Can you not take him out hunting or fishing and try have a man to man talk with him when hes in a good mood?
[/quote]

Put a gun in his hands ooooooooooo Hell no. But yes I have had him out hunting beleave it or not but right now the law says he cant have one. WE had a boat and I had to get rid of it because all he wanted to do is pull it around with his truck to load trash in and have it with him all the time just to show off. I have to becarfull On what I have around here because he might destroy it. No is a word this kid dont know.I have to keep my tools and other stuff under lock and key. I beleave in liveing in a family were I can leave things be and it well be safe at all times.fishing we do stell some times but from the shore. Realy wish I could have a boat again. at this point in his live he dont have much friends because of his anger cant keep it under control. I see his girl friend finly wakeing up and walking off on him so her and her babby can be safe. And trying to talk to him is a waste of time I tryed many of times all he does is say yes I know yes I know. And he takes no actions to better him self. When I do do things with him IM treaded like sh** when its over so why keep trying.

[Scooter-IT]

Drop him of in front of the Marine recruiting office. Tell him to walk in or walk home with a solid future plan in hand and execute it.

[Vivo]

Sorry to hear that Blue...but it takes two to tango... a lot of problems are solved by talking and understanding what others do and have to say.... Other families may have similar situations but handle things differently because of different behaviors, different characters, cultures, etc., so be careful in taking our suggestions.  You are the one who knows the personality of your wife and step kid, so it's you who perfectly know how to approach them. You have to act and not react and whatever you do or decide, you stand up to it and not regret it.

I have a jobless 34 year old brother-in-law in our house but I feel he's an asset because he helps in handywork, carpentry, assists me in fixing anything, does errands, guards the house when we all go shopping or out of town trips, feeds the dog, etc.  He eats a lot, but that's ok... He is also my drinking partner...sometimes... and we talk... a lot...

[wordslinger]

..semper fi...

[blue]

I have a jobless 34 year old brother-in-law in our house but I feel he's an asset because he helps in handywork, carpentry, assists me in fixing anything, does errands, guards the house when we all go shopping or out of town trips, feeds the dog, etc.  He eats a lot, but that's ok... He is also my drinking partner...sometimes... and we talk... a lot...
[/quote]


I understand jobs are hard to find. But when he sits on his ass and does not even get out of the house to try.
he has slowly takeing charge and picking up after him self but with him not working he thinks mom and step dad should pay for his chew and gas and phone bill and clothes or what ever he needs its tought time for us to. I feel he is working around here to keep a roof over his head not for him to be are slave and in return buy him his things he needs.
He is a strong man I have seen it he is smart he know how to do a lot of stuff. But when the word work comes up its like a light switch just turned on and he throws his fits. I ask him if I can go with you to sit in the car while he gets apps and he says no. I beleave he just gos out for drives and says he is looking for work and all he is doing is wasteing time and gas.

[wordslinger]

...runnn.....














                       

[08087]

Drop him of in front of the Marine recruiting office. Tell him to walk in or walk home with a solid future plan in hand and execute it.

Love this idea! 2 thumbs up.

How about maybe something the wife can get behind, hand him a list of housewrok that needs to get done every day, when you leave for work take the cable box with you or lock it in a box.

The way I see it your home should be spotless from basement to attic, if he doesn't ask for new cleaning supplies in a week you know he's not doing it right. You and the Mrs. should not have to lift a finger to clean house or cook dinner, hell he should even be doing breakfast as there is knowone telling him how long of a nap he can take during the day.

[Vivo]

If somebody pays my gas, food, shelter, etc. without me working for it ...hmmm... I surely will like it... and will not work a day anymore...yes!!!  I'm in control.... I'm the man!....  


what's next?....


my point is.... do somethin' Blue....

[wordslinger]

my point is.... do somethin' Blue....


..yeah RUN!!!

[Vivo]

my point is.... do somethin' Blue....


..yeah RUN!!!

Yes... if it will change things for the better....